"Send Me."

I am reading the small book, The 21 Most Effective Prayers of the Bible.  Each prayer is just so good, and the people behind them astound me.  Their faith and drive are noteworthy.

Lately, I have been mad.  I realize I said I was tucking that away, but the wounds are cutting too deep this month.  When I don't think I can take anymore bad news, I get just a little more.  I sat in the dressing room of a boutique the other day sobbing.  I couldn't get out, I didn't want anyone to see the chick who was fine one minute and lost it the next.  I am breaking.  But just the other day, I got up to read my sweet book and prayed the prayer, "Send me."  Isaiah asked God to send him to do something great.  I just prayed that Jesus would open my eyes to others, and I kid you not this happened:

My little sister and I were leaving Target while it was raining.  We were running at top speed with Cealy, because....not sure why we couldn't get wet, but at the time it seemed pertinent we remain dry.  We were getting into our car when I saw an older woman out in the rain.  Now I am the least bit observant, but I felt her on my heart.  It was raining, why was she not getting into her car right away?  She walked away, and we were pulling out when I told my little sister we needed to follow her.  We drove down 3 isles until we saw her again, and I rolled down my window.  Again, if you know me and how shy I am, then you would know that I barely talk to people I know, let alone strangers.  "Mam, you wouldn't be looking for your car would you?"  She looked up with the saddest look on her face, and said, "Yes, I am, and I have no idea where I parked."  Mackenzie jumped out of the car and brought this sweet, delicious woman to the passengers seat while we drove around looking.  She didn't even know what type of car she drove.  She gave her keys to Mackenzie and we went up and down every isle until we were on the other side of the parking lot where we found her car.  She looked up at me and said, "I just feel so blessed. I wish I could make you cookies or something."  I told her Jesus sent me, better make those cookies for Him.

I also pray for her today, as I realized that she has the beginning signs of dementia.  I remember my grandmother calling my mom when she couldn't find her way home from the grocery that she went to every week of her life, or she couldn't remember what her car looked like.  Now don't be running to your doctor when you can't find your car in the parking lot, because that is all of us...minus my older sister who probably counts spaces.

Just two small words might change your day.  "Send me."

She called me Mama.

My little girl sent me a message.  In it, she called me Mama.  I must have watched the video a hundred times, and Cealy watched it one hundred more.  She kept asking, "She is my sister, right?"  Adopting an older child, brings on more questions for me than a baby.  I wonder if she will call me, Mommy?  I wonder if she will like me?  I wonder if she will want to share her memories?  Will she be afraid?  All the emotions she should feel...I just wonder if she will ever want to call me Mommy?

Two beautiful friends of mine visited my children.  They talked to them, took pictures with them, and loved on them while I cannot.  Both of my friends were experiencing great pain and grief of their own, but crept outside of it for me.  They were leaving their children in a few short hours, after fighting for them for weeks.  I heard their sadness, their aching hearts, but constantly reassured me.  They are such generous, selfless people.  I will never forget their love. 

My boys were eating the whole time, and while I was so afraid by one of my son's weight, she assured me he was doing well.  He talked her ear off.  One is shy, just like my Cealy.  One is a talker, the other a runner. 

For now, I pray.  I watch their videos constantly.  I look at her smile, and rest in Jesus taking care of them while I can't.  I turn from anger.  At least I try.  I am angry, but it doesn't look good on me.  It doesn't feel right.  I am reading, The 21 Most Effective Prayers of the Bible, by Dave Earley.  I love reading about people who relied on God for everything.  People who lived with humility, shame, sinned, but prayed to God throughout their days, everyday.  It helps me stay hopeful.

She called me, Mama.  I think I'll go watch that video a hundred more times.  Thank you both, two beautiful women who I met through such a tough time, but whose friendships have made me a better person.

Thankful.

I am so very thankful.  Thankful for so much.

If Only.

When I wake up in the morning, I pray a sweet prayer for all my children.  Then I pray to feel "at peace," throughout the day.  I tell myself not to cry today, not to feel hopeless, and not to think of my 3 children so far away every minute of the day.  Today is Saturday, so I wake up knowing I can't make any phone calls to the state department or any of my representatives.  Considering I have cried on the phone with all of them, and my cries are ugly and not pleasant, today is looking better already.  A family member asked about our children last night.  Before leaving the house, I told myself to pinch my skin if I felt tears.  I tried, but I ended up crying in the kitchen with her apologizing for asking.  So much for pinching myself.

All the ifs.  If only our sons were given visas in 3 months instead of 7, they would be home.  But what about our daughter?  There is a reason.  Oh to kiss their faces instead of their pictures.

If only I could take my two children at home with me and live there?  They cannot get the shots you have to receive.  If only.

If only I could afford to visit them.  I never wanted a private plane, until now.  If only we could win the lottery.  I don't even want a lot of money, just enough to get me there to hug them until my girlfriend there says, "Amanda, you are being spared.  You cannot come and leave.  I will not leave without my son.  I will not leave him now that I am here."  And then I think, maybe that is why I don't have a private plane?  I would in fact not leave them.

So I pray.  I am so very grateful for this life, my husband, our children.  "To be thankful in all circumstances," so very good to live by.  I am thankful for so much. 

God knows so much, and I know so little.  There is a reason.  If only I knew it? 

Here's to not thinking about all the "If onlys," today.

You're Invited.

You're invited.  You made the team.  I don't know about you, but those words put a huge smile on my face.

I didn't make the cheer-leading team my first year trying out.  I was devastated.  I cried for weeks.  All my friends made it...and I didn't. 

I didn't get into the sorority I thought I wanted to be apart of in college the first time.  I was a wreck.  I cried for a week, and told my mom I wanted to drop out of college.  "Mom, please, I don't want to go back. You don't get it, my life is over."

So you are telling me I'm invited and I made the team, Jesus!  I am thrilled!  The best part about Jesus' party is everyone is invited.  Everyone I love.  Everyone that I think is the best of the best.  Everyone that I don't know is invited.  We are all invited.  He does not have two lists, friends.  We are all on the first list.  He doesn't love anyone more than someone else.  Isn't that refreshing?  So when you feel guilty reading about a missionary giving it all, and you wonder I bet Jesus is so much loving her.  Yes, He does, but no more than He loves you.  Is that not so great?  He loves you for your talents, and we all have different ones.  He loves everyone so much and the same.  He knows we will be happier living with Him in our hearts, so He wants us to seek Him and His father, God. 

In church the past 3 weeks, our pastor has been describing Jesus.  One of the words made me crack up.  Partier?  Did you really say partier?  Then I thought back to His disciples eating, drinking, dancing, healing, and being merry.  Oh, I get it.  Jesus came to invite us to His party.  And this party, everyone can come to.  Just ask Him.

Finally, a team and party we can all be invited to, I'm in!!

No Joke.

Every single time I visit Danny's grandmother at her Memory Care Home, I need the caregivers to give me the code to leave. 

Today, one of the caregivers, who is funny and loves her patients, says, "You know the code has not changed once since she has been here right?"

So what you are telling me is in the 20+ times I have visited, I can't remember the code to get out, and you are saving me a room for the future?

No Joke.  #worstmemoryever.

They are His Children First.

We get to go meet our precious children sometime soon.  I can't even tell you the excitement I feel at seeing them.  I just want to hug them, tell them I love them, and explain the big family they having waiting for them back in their new home.  I want to tell them that we will be back to visit their first home many times.  I want to tell them that we love their first home, and feel special being part of it now as a complete family of 7.

I feel privileged to be visiting such an amazing country.  I feel privileged to be amongst this new culture and learn new things. 

I had much anxiety about getting my children home now.  I want them home.  My heart aches without them.  I read the bible everyday and keep asking God to please help me see this from His point of view.  It was then I took a step back and placed these problems into His hands that I finally relaxed.

Dominic, Malachi, and Rosalie, are His children first.  They are not mine.  Dominic, Malachi, and Rosalie are their Africa Mommy and Daddy's second.  They are not only mine.  We have been privileged to know them, love them, and dream for them.  When they come home will be God's perfect timing.  It is hard.  I pray for a miracle everyday.  I pray that God opens the hearts of those that can send our children home with us.  But until then, I will live joyfully knowing I get to wrap my arms around them and whisper, "You will always be loved." 

Some Fall Fun.

Soccer season is over but good thing Sebastian had his buddy to sit alongside the field and watch soccer unfold. 

They enjoyed sitting in the sideline chairs better than playing.  At one point Cealy told me she just follows Taylor all over the field...not the soccer ball.  Yikes.  It really helped she had two friends with her always. 

I miss this chick so much.  Just holding her during the day was so good for my mood.  Can't wait for her return in December.  I kept all her baby toys out for her return.

I am surrounded by cuteness!  Adam and Ashley's daughter is to die for!!

We left the city for a bit and headed to Michigan!  Dan's co-worker is about the most fun person ever and let us stay at her house there.  We went to a carnival where Sebastian rode a horse and Cealy played in the bounce house.  We ate ice-cream, because you cannot vacation and not eat ice-cream.  We ate Mexican food, my favorite!  We played hide and go seek outside at night, roasted marshmellows, and watched a movie.  I attempted a 300 piece puzzle.  I was doing good until I realized that two of the four animals were the same color and all the pieces looked the same.  Guess and check...not my style.

I am reading a book about parenting children from hard places.  One of the activities was to play with rice and hide small toys.  I am starting to get together things like this to do.  I pulled it out for Cealy and Sebastian and they loved it!  I also added a tupperware of beans.  As they were playing, I realized that this activity will not be suitable for our 3 coming home.  This is the meal they have eaten everyday since birth.

She is so awesome. My biggest helper.  She asks Sebastian if he needs to go potty, tells him to eat all his food or no snack, and plays with him all day.  If he hits her she says, "Just say sorry to me and I'll forgive you."  She tells me everything is he trying to say.  It is amazing how reasoning with her has made such a difference.  When I am making dinner, she knows that if her and Sebastian argue that can't watch a show before bed.  Cealy keeps bringing me things for her sister.  "I want her to have this."  "Will you tell her this for me, Mommy?"  Her imagination and her questions astound me.  "So you are telling me that our brothers and sister don't live in Heaven, but they can't live with us right now?"  This morning she is captain of her ship.  We argue about clothes, and she looks like she is dressed for Wacky Wednesday about everyday. 

Everything about him makes me smile.  He is the snuggliest lover ever.  His hugs make me feel like the most special mother on earth.  He is talking so much!  He loves for me to hold him and sing (unlike Ceal who tell me that she can't enjoy the song if I am singing).  He loves "Finding Nemo," and "Calliou."  He loves to read, run, hug, say he's sorry, tell people they are mean, and go anywhere and everywhere with me.  He is the best at hide and go seek.  He can seriously not move or breathe, it cracks me up.  He runs into church now and into his class.  He throws the world's biggest tantrums.  I had to unhook his legs off the toy riding horse at the grocery this weekend, while he screamed the whole way out.  He understands time-outs now, but cries for me while there, and my heart melts.  I am so in love with this guy.

To Be Jonah.

Remember the story.  God gave Jonah an important job, but Jonah wasn't having any of it...so he ran.  I remember laughing when reading the whole story in my Life Application Study Bible months ago.  I mean really Jonah, hiding from God who sees everything?  You are not very bright.  Fast forward a couple of months, and I too was thinking about all the places I could hide out for awhile.  I started an important journey awhile back, and I am too scared to finish.  God has a path outlined for me, but I am not so sure I want to take it.  I am scared.  My basement has lots of good hideouts.  I could at least survive a couple of weeks, but could I be quiet?  But I wanted this!!  But I am really scared.  But I didn't sign up for this part!!  But God's plans are different from my own. 

I am following it.  I don't want to be swallowed by a whale, as that route seems even scarier than the one we are about to go on...Stay tuned.

His Second Mom.

I am running around the house trying to get Sebastian to open his mouth so I can see his throat.  Cealy has been sick.  Sebastian coughs every 2 minutes.  So I am trying to tackle him and then?  Not sure how the opening of the mouth thing will happen.  The whole time Cealy is watching me.  She says, "Want me to help?"  She walks over to me and says, "Mom, want to see inside my mouth?"  And then she opens her mouth.  After this, Sebastian pushes her aside and opens his mouth for me.  All in the name of Cecilia.

The next day we are going to Target.  One of my closest friends...Target.  I am louring the cats kids to the car and I say, "When we get there, we can get cake pops!!!"  Sebastian starts screaming.  I mean he is really crying.  And I am baffled.  I mean, they love the cake pops at Starbucks when we arrive and Mama really likes her coffee.  Cealy says, "Mommy, we need to call the cake pops, suckers, because Sebastian thinks a balloon is going to pop when you say the word, pop, and we know he is scared of that."  Well, I didn't think about calling them suckers.
All in the name of Cecilia.

WSJ Find.

Noooo, I don't read this on the regular, but I sure do look for anything that interests me. 

This weekend, I read an article called, "Touch Teachers Get Results."  And while I may not agree with the whole thing, most if it was my style.  I was a tough teacher.  I sent home lots of work.  And believe me, I knew my parents had to do it as well.  That was the purpose.  I was hard on all of my kids.  They all knew I loved them.  I pushed them, because they were worth it.  This week one of my first students called me to tell me she was eligible for any high school in Chicago.  "What!?!"  "Oh yes, I am and I haven't even told my mom, I am calling you first."  Talk about the sweetest things in life.  I will remember that moment forever.  I had tears in my eyes, while listening to her talk all about which ones she liked best.  This precious child came into my classroom reading well below grade level.  She left reading at grade level, because she was a hard worker.  She put in the time.  Her life will always remind me that hard work and discipline pays off.

As I was reading, "Tough Teachers Get Results," I was taking notes.  I still anticipate getting back to the classroom.  But God also had another plan for me.  I was to read this for parenting help as well.  One of the strategies was telling a child they are "a hard worker," and not telling a child they are smart.  There is something very wise about that.  Being told you are smart leads you to believe that you can't make mistakes or struggle.  Being told you are smart and then failing sends you into a downward tailspin.  "I can't fail if I am smart, I must not be smart."  But if you are constantly told you are a hard worker, then struggling makes sense.  Because hard workers struggle.  They work until they get it right and a lot of times it takes failing to get it right.  I always catch myself telling Cecilia she is smart all the time.  Now when she finishes a puzzle or "reads" through her books, I tell her she is "such a hard worker, and hard workers can do anything!"  Today we raked the leaves and when we finished she looked at me and said, "We are such hard workers, we did all that!"  Yep, love me so good articles that help me encourage our children better. 


*This week was beautiful.  I am talking sun a shining, outside everyday, people smiling, beautiful.  I am so grateful for this beautiful life.  So thankful to God for His unfailing love.  Mackenzie staying with us these past 3 weeks have been more fun than I put into words.  It is so much fun to have a baby around again.  Baby swings, bouncers, and baby toys all over the house.  Yep, I am that crazy chick who loves baby stuff around.  Praying always for our precious children so far away.  Praying that if God needs this time to work on other things through them or me that I have the courage to wait, for however long that may be...  

To Be Honest.

It might be hard to understand.  How am I so emotionally attached to children I have not met?  God put them on my heart over a year ago.  Their pictures are in every room of my house, on my phone, in my car, at my parents' offices, on our family calendars, and on the refrigerators of all my family and friends.  I talk to everyone about them.  Yes, every cashier in Indiana knows I have 5 children, but 3 of them live very far away.

Last week I was in a fog.  Maybe I still am.  I went the wrong way to the grocery.  I was stopped at a green light.  People call and leave voice mails, or email, and I am too heartbroken to respond.  I believe He will fight for us, the only one who can truly help us.  God will bring them home.  Right?  To be honest, I don't know.

I have screamed out to God.  "Jesus, why?  Please help me understand."  Then I tell myself it wasn't meant to be.  We were meant to love them and pray for them, but not to raise them.  God knows better than us.  It is okay.  We will go on, and other blessings will rain down on us.  The next minute, I am calling my girlfriends (also adopting) and telling them we are getting our babies soon.  "Let's book a flight and fight for them."  Then, I fall to my knees in prayer and cry out again for help.

I've had many "un-Christ" like moments.  I am angry with Him.  Why did you lead me down this path?  I am emotionally exhausted.  I am so angry!  I don't want to go to church.  I don't want to run into anyone I know.  I have cried with my little sister so many times, she is probably pumped to get back to Swizerland.  I told her I must have done something to not deserve them.  And to be honest, I really feel that way.  She listens and then speaks truth.  It is always good for me to hear.  I read His word everyday, but to be honest I still feel broken. 

To be honest, I get on the computer too much.  Sundays are no computer, FB, or email days.  I read a blog that shows a father's fight to get his daughter home today.  He has been fighting for 6 years.  And I crumble.

It is not Him doing this.  The world's problems are not brought on by Him.  These are trials.  Many people go through much worse.  To be honest, praying for those around me helps me out of these "me problems."

Today I am praying for the hearts of those who can help us. 

Please Pray.

How do I express our heartache over such blindsiding news?

We were traveling in a couple of weeks.

We packed some of our suitcases, and tried to get as organized as possible not knowing our exact path.  I would peak into our bags everyday and smile at all the clothes and toys that were awaiting our children and so many others.

Friday night, I went to dinner with my family.  Once home came the terrible news that the country in which we have adopted suspended allowing adopted children to leave the country.

I instantly felt a stabbing pain in my stomach.  I called my family in tears.  That night I laid awake downstairs and tried to get some sense of understanding.  I look at their faces and dream of the day they will smile.

I am hurt.  I am angry.  We have fought for our children for so long that I am emotionally drained.  I question everything.  I can't understand why.

We were notified of more news that leads to another setback this afternoon.  I am trying to pray myself through it, but I will be honest and tell you it is difficult. 

I know my blessings are overflowing.  I know what true despair could look like, and I continue to be grateful to God and Jesus.  We just need your prayers.  Not to understand it all, but some sense of peace.  Every day away is lost time with all 3 of our beautiful children.  We are trying to take this day by day, and looking to our Father for guidance.  Thank you for praying for our family, and please remember to send me specific prayer requests as well. 

Laundry = Content?

Let me tell you how much I need to work on being content.  Embarrassing to admit, yes.

I remember my grandmother always telling me the way to be happy is to be content.  I would nod and smile.  "Yes, grammy, sure."

Let me tell you a short story about me and our laundry.  I first lived in New York City.  We didn't have any washing machines in the building so we would make a day of laundry and find a mat somewhere.  We would walk blocks with our clothes.

I remember saying: "God, please if I could just get a washing machine in my building, I would be the happiest girl, really I would!  Then we wouldn't freeze walking outside to find a laundry mat!"

Then I moved to Chicago.  Guess what?  We had laundry in the building.  It was in the basement.  We could stay warm while doing our laundry!

A couple of months went by and I remember saying: "God, please if I could just get laundry in my apartment, I would be the happiest girl, really I would! Then we wouldn't have to get out of our pajamas to do laundry. Or we could do laundry at night and not have to go up and down the elevator."

Then we moved to Indianapolis.  Guess what?  Our house had a laundry room!

Do you want to know what I said to my sister yesterday? 

"If my laundry room was only upstairs!  I am sick of walking up and down the stairs to get sheets and clothes.  When I have 5 children, uggg laundry will be my life!  I need my laundry room upstairs, like my neighbor."

God gave me an out of body experience for this conversation.  He probably wanted to slap me, but instead let me remember how being content would help greatly.  While talking to her I slowly remembered all the conversations about wanting something better in the laundry world.

Believe me, if I was given a house tomorrow with laundry upstairs, I would complain in a couple of months about hiring someone to do my laundry.

On a side note though, why do builders put laundry rooms downstairs?  Eeeeeek, back to being content.

My Nightmares.

I have these ongoing nightmares.  I wake up, and don't want to fall back asleep because they are awful.  It is so twisted how our minds work sometimes.

Last night I was saving one of my best friends who was drowning.  There was another girl drowning with her.  I had to pick my friend.  The other one looked like she was already dead.  I get back and everyone is shouting, "Why did you leave the other girl?"  I remember vividly what she looked like.  Then I woke up. 

These nightmares happen on and off. 

Then I realized that most of my day I am worried about picking up our sons...and leaving our daughter.  It is hard to talk to others about, so I end up having nightmares about it.

It is hard to write.  It is hard to think about.  How do you tell a six-year-old who has experienced more loss in her short lifetime than anyone I know, that you are taking her brothers, but promise to come back for her? 

I know God will take care of this.  He is the hero here.  He will take care of our daughter while we are gone, just as He has our sons. 

Plus, she could be excited I am leaving, right?  I mean, she could be like, are you real life thinking you are taking me far away from everything I know and love?  See you later, goodbye.

I don't know how it will be, but I ask for your prayers.  Not for me.  All mothers endure hardships.  Pray for our sweet girl.  Pray for her heart.  Pray for the courts.  God and Jesus have a plan.  Jesus will be with her.  They love her and will protect her.

Here's to no more nightmares. 

Getting Organized!

My picture would not be next to the definition, that is for sure.

When I taught in Chicago, I learned from my mentor teacher how to be very organized.  It helped tremendously.  If you wanted any information about one of my students, all you had to do was open a binder with their name on my desk and it listed all their strengths and weaknesses.  Then I decided to stay at home with my chicklits and well although I like a clean home, organized is not in the recipe.

When my older sister comes to pick up Cruz she always runs to my pantry and puts everything into place.  She made a pasta corner, I love this chick.

So becoming a mother to 5 precious babes, I needed to get much more organized.  I started thinking about everything that was a doozy in this house.

1. Laundry- Yes. I will be doing it everyday.  Now, I run around the house and carry down ridiculous baskets everywhere.  I realized this was not going to work.  I need to make a day for everything (towels, sheets, clothes, etc) and I need to have bins with bags.  This way laundry can also be a chore for my kids.  Lugging a bag full or laundry is much easier than trying not to fall down the stairs with a basket.  Oh how I wish my laundry room was upstairs.  {Insert sad face here}
2. Closets- Yikes.  My 3 boys will be sharing.  I don't trust a dresser with Sebastian.  I won't tell you the story so that there are not a bunch of dressers waiting for trash pick-up, but trust me no dressers.  I will only produce after pictures here.  Just picture my sister's face when looking inside and seeing clothes on the floor.  When I started I had cute navy bins everywhere.  Guess what?  You can't see inside them.  I can't remember my sock drawer, no way was I remembering which bin had what in it.  So I kept two for toys and purchased clear bins for clothes.  Oh and I would like to thank the delicious family who built this house.  Thank you for making closets desirable.
3. 
   
    3. Leaving the home- My bestie, Whitney, is insanely organized.  She has a chart for her kids people.  So at times  I watch her techniques.  While I throw 3 sippy cups the size of my diaper bag into my diaper bag, she brings along dixie cups and a water bottle.  She will put in lemonade or water.  Then when the kids are thirsty she just pours them a drink.  Ummmm, genius?  So I went out and bought 5 boxes of dixie cups and a couple of water bottles.  Environmentally conscious?  No.  I have to make life simpler over here. 
   
    
   
   
   4.   Toys- I am pretty organized with our toys.  I have certain bins for puzzles, trains, play food, etc.  No I don't have a label on them.  Aisha would rather I did, but that is for crazy folk.
   
   
   5.  Other ideas?  Please email me or comment below.  I need help!  When our daughter gets home, I will be homeschooling.  Yes, I said the word.  Anything you do to make life easier, I need to know.  And don't assume I know any of your ways.  Yes, my mother was organized growing up, but I am the least observant person you will ever meet.
   
   
   
   

I love Summer.

Summer is coming to an end and I could cry thinking about it.  I am not the girl who loves cool weather.  I love hot.  I love water.  I love being outside without bees.

Some ramblings:  What I ramble?

Taking pictures is a stretch around here.  I am that busy.  I don't take my phone to the pool, because Sebastian throws everything in, including my keys.  Then something is too cute and I have no camera.  Or I am running after the boys and just when they settle and a pic is warranted, my phone is lost.

Cealy started school two days a week.  I am lame and would rather have her home.  Just to get out of the house with all 3 and drop her off is chaos.  We are working on this.

I tried to join a marketplace on FB for things to buy around me secondhand and the drama was unreal.  Women were arguing and making fun of one another.  I just wanted a triple stroller that wasn't over $300.00, someone help me find one please??

Cealy started soccer with Drew and Taylor.  Can I tell you how much I love these children?  They are so yummy.  Yesterday was a mock game.  Cealy was sucking on her hair.  She did not run after the ball.  She watched everyone else.  When I asked her why she wasn't helping her team, she said her ball wasn't on the field.  What?!?  I thought I told you there is only one ball.  While she is playing Sebastian is picking up the cones the coach put up to mark off the field.  Then he is using them as a microphone and running around screaming into them.  The time is about 6:30 and I would love wine.

Someone said in passing to a loved one of mine that adopting a black child "seems to be the cool thing to do. People want to look cool."  I usually don't address complete idiocy.  I will say that unless you have witnessed a country, any country, with children dying from starvation or preventable diseases or lack of care please oh please do not comment with such lack of understanding.  And please oh please do not say something so senseless around me.  I tend to be a bit crazy when protecting my family.

I have the BEST NEWS to share with you soon.  The BEST.  Praise God.  Praise Jesus.  

This is a typical park experience.  Sebastian looks around for the scariest thing he can do...Then the next time goes head first for the thrill.

Soccer.  Drew was dancing here.  Sebastian is not on the team, but don't tell him that.

We have a lock on the basement door that does not keep Sebastian out.

One of our typical nights at Poske's.  Just watching a late night movie.

Still one of our best purchases.  Jump children, jump away.

Visiting my girlfriend, Jaime's baby!  She is way smaller than Sebastian and Cealy were and she slept away in my arms.  Love.

Is there a cuter 91-year-old woman on the planet?  She is my favorite.

What?!?  Yes, we are out without our pups.  White party providing bags full of toys for children battling cancer.

Celebrating Nana's birthday!  Deb has an entire room devoted for her grandbabies.  Cealy runs downstairs and pulls out all of her princess stuff.  I love precious days where we roam around as a family, run errands, go to the park, and visit our loved ones.

Cruz at My Gym.  He kept saying, "Look at me Manny, I am so strong!"

Oh the help while baking.  They argue over who gets to stir and who gets to pour in the ingredients.  Please notice Sebastian is not in matching pajamas.  It does not happen around here unless you can dress yourself. 

My little sister is home (highlight of my year) and has my niece, Amelie.  Sebastian does not leave her alone, ever.  He is obsessed.  One time, she sneezed on him and he looked like he was going in for a smack.  Then he wiped her sneeze on her shirt.  Hilarious.  I love, love her.

A camping we will go! Definitely one of my favorite weekends.  All of our tents are in a circle and we build a huge play/food/sit area in the middle.  It is Cealy's favorite vacation.  We go with the most amazing-fun-loving-hilarious-adventurous people.  We eat fried food all weekend.  We drive golf carts and listen to blues concerts.  One night Kristin said to jump on the golf cart, because she was taking us somewhere.  She ended up driving my cousin Jess, me, Amanda, and herself to a haunted house at the top of the hill.  Real life haunted house in August.  There was an old woman rocking in a chair at the front.  Then a man came running out with fake blood on him and Kristin stopped the golf cart so he could get me.  I was screaming and laughing.  I will get her back.

Aunt Jess helping with me crew.  Sebastian rocked his chair until it fell and he could get out.

Marm and MiMi.  They are about the best you could ever ask for.  Just when I wanted to stick the kids inside the tent and lock it up, they would come to the rescue and take the kids on a golf cart adventure.

Wouldn't you know it, Marm tries to prepare Sebastian for the picture...Sebastian followed Grandpa around the whole time.

12 years ago today.

I remember exactly where I was. 

Sitting in acting class (yes I attempted to act in college) and hearing the news.  The horrific news.  My stomach hurt.  I didn't understand.

Then I looked at the girl next to me (my acting partner for the day) and it looked like she had seen a ghost.  I asked her if she was okay.  She said nothing. 

Then my acting teacher said we were canceling actual class, but she wanted to talk about how we were feeling.  Looking back, I see what an important move that was, as I never talked about how I felt again about that day.

When we got to my acting partner, she said, "My dad is there."  I remember everyone thinking, what does she mean or is she being serious?

She looked at all of us and said, "My dad travels to New York City once a month to work and he works there.  He is there now."

My heart hurt for her then and it does now.  She never came back to class after that day.  Our teacher told us her dad died and she went home to take care of her mother.

I don't know where she is today, but today I pray for her.  Among thousands of others.

We Are Human.

They were staring at me.  I wanted to shout at them, "You never seen a tantrum before?"  Sebastian and Cruz were misbehaving and Cealy felt it necessary to run from cement wall to cement wall.  I was running around the circus event wondering when help would arrive.  All the women were staring, and I was fumming.

Staring...it is what humans do.  We stare.  We study each other.  We want to try to understand.

I was at a football game recently when I watched a woman being carried up the bleachers.  My first thought was that she had too much to drink.  I was watching or maybe staring.  She was beautiful, and I kept thinking, "Oh geez, poor thing."  Then her mother and husband shouted to those of us near by, "What! You never seen a handicapped person before?!?"

I couldn't understand.  What did they mean?  And then I watched them put her into a wheelchair.

I couldn't believe the way they reacted.  We were sympathezing I thought.  We didn't understand what was happening.  We are human and as humans we were trying to understand.

And then thought back to how I reacted at the zoo when I was everyone's main event and I felt all the stares.  Why were so many people staring at me?  It is so uncomfortable, but I have to get used to it.  I do it.  Others will to.  We are human.

Then I thought about my 3 children who are not home yet.  And the stares we are going to get.  How will I react?  I cannot let them think that these stares make me uncomfortable, because that will mean I am somehow uncomfortable with them.  I have to remember that people are naturally curious.  We are humans.  Humans are curious and work hard to try and understand what is going on around them.  It is uncomfortable, yes, but not always harmful.  Here's to being comfortable with the stares.

Birthdays: Oh My!

BIRTHDAYS 

Always smiling with Nana and Pop.  She loves them.

Did you say pink icing?  Only Aunt Jess would find that.

Cealy: We packed a lot into Cealy's birthday! She is one loved child. The night before we ate with Nana and Pop at CR heros, a favorite of hers.  She played with some of her favorite friends at Drew's house.  Then her Aunt Jess came and made cookies with PINK icing on her day. Aunt Jess, Grand Pam, Grandpa, Marm, Sebastian and I took Cealy to Chuck E Cheese. Both the kids had a blast and I told Cealy that the lady at the front only lets you come in the day of your birthday, so we are clear until next year...

Sebastian: We went with a group of some of my favorite people to the zoo!  Sebastian had a blast.  Kate (2 years old) watched him a couple of times and yelled when he tried to jump in with the rhinos and ???  I wonder what exactly he wants to go once he gets in the cage?  Sebastian loves to run as fast as he can in the opposite direction of me.  I am running and my back is crying because I just know that I have to pick him up and he is going to lose it.

My favorite.  Courtney's twin, Ella, and Cealy's friend for life.

Could you get any cuter than this?  Geesh!

Sebastian could swing for hours.  It is the only thing he wants to do at the park and if another child eyes the swing from a far he runs up to it and yells, "Mine!"

My cousin Jess.  Home for a bit of Summer and we had some of the best days yet.  Cards, Bags, Games, Laughter (lots of laughter).  She is one of my closest friends and is the best role model for my kids.  I thank God for her.  There are certain people who just get you.

Aunt Jess and her famous breakfast making skills.

How fun is this group? 

Up next: Soccer!  Taylor, Cealy, and Drew are playing on a team.  This could be a good time.

If only we could afford to keep this bounce house...