If Only.

When I wake up in the morning, I pray a sweet prayer for all my children.  Then I pray to feel "at peace," throughout the day.  I tell myself not to cry today, not to feel hopeless, and not to think of my 3 children so far away every minute of the day.  Today is Saturday, so I wake up knowing I can't make any phone calls to the state department or any of my representatives.  Considering I have cried on the phone with all of them, and my cries are ugly and not pleasant, today is looking better already.  A family member asked about our children last night.  Before leaving the house, I told myself to pinch my skin if I felt tears.  I tried, but I ended up crying in the kitchen with her apologizing for asking.  So much for pinching myself.

All the ifs.  If only our sons were given visas in 3 months instead of 7, they would be home.  But what about our daughter?  There is a reason.  Oh to kiss their faces instead of their pictures.

If only I could take my two children at home with me and live there?  They cannot get the shots you have to receive.  If only.

If only I could afford to visit them.  I never wanted a private plane, until now.  If only we could win the lottery.  I don't even want a lot of money, just enough to get me there to hug them until my girlfriend there says, "Amanda, you are being spared.  You cannot come and leave.  I will not leave without my son.  I will not leave him now that I am here."  And then I think, maybe that is why I don't have a private plane?  I would in fact not leave them.

So I pray.  I am so very grateful for this life, my husband, our children.  "To be thankful in all circumstances," so very good to live by.  I am thankful for so much. 

God knows so much, and I know so little.  There is a reason.  If only I knew it? 

Here's to not thinking about all the "If onlys," today.

You're Invited.

You're invited.  You made the team.  I don't know about you, but those words put a huge smile on my face.

I didn't make the cheer-leading team my first year trying out.  I was devastated.  I cried for weeks.  All my friends made it...and I didn't. 

I didn't get into the sorority I thought I wanted to be apart of in college the first time.  I was a wreck.  I cried for a week, and told my mom I wanted to drop out of college.  "Mom, please, I don't want to go back. You don't get it, my life is over."

So you are telling me I'm invited and I made the team, Jesus!  I am thrilled!  The best part about Jesus' party is everyone is invited.  Everyone I love.  Everyone that I think is the best of the best.  Everyone that I don't know is invited.  We are all invited.  He does not have two lists, friends.  We are all on the first list.  He doesn't love anyone more than someone else.  Isn't that refreshing?  So when you feel guilty reading about a missionary giving it all, and you wonder I bet Jesus is so much loving her.  Yes, He does, but no more than He loves you.  Is that not so great?  He loves you for your talents, and we all have different ones.  He loves everyone so much and the same.  He knows we will be happier living with Him in our hearts, so He wants us to seek Him and His father, God. 

In church the past 3 weeks, our pastor has been describing Jesus.  One of the words made me crack up.  Partier?  Did you really say partier?  Then I thought back to His disciples eating, drinking, dancing, healing, and being merry.  Oh, I get it.  Jesus came to invite us to His party.  And this party, everyone can come to.  Just ask Him.

Finally, a team and party we can all be invited to, I'm in!!

No Joke.

Every single time I visit Danny's grandmother at her Memory Care Home, I need the caregivers to give me the code to leave. 

Today, one of the caregivers, who is funny and loves her patients, says, "You know the code has not changed once since she has been here right?"

So what you are telling me is in the 20+ times I have visited, I can't remember the code to get out, and you are saving me a room for the future?

No Joke.  #worstmemoryever.

They are His Children First.

We get to go meet our precious children sometime soon.  I can't even tell you the excitement I feel at seeing them.  I just want to hug them, tell them I love them, and explain the big family they having waiting for them back in their new home.  I want to tell them that we will be back to visit their first home many times.  I want to tell them that we love their first home, and feel special being part of it now as a complete family of 7.

I feel privileged to be visiting such an amazing country.  I feel privileged to be amongst this new culture and learn new things. 

I had much anxiety about getting my children home now.  I want them home.  My heart aches without them.  I read the bible everyday and keep asking God to please help me see this from His point of view.  It was then I took a step back and placed these problems into His hands that I finally relaxed.

Dominic, Malachi, and Rosalie, are His children first.  They are not mine.  Dominic, Malachi, and Rosalie are their Africa Mommy and Daddy's second.  They are not only mine.  We have been privileged to know them, love them, and dream for them.  When they come home will be God's perfect timing.  It is hard.  I pray for a miracle everyday.  I pray that God opens the hearts of those that can send our children home with us.  But until then, I will live joyfully knowing I get to wrap my arms around them and whisper, "You will always be loved." 

Some Fall Fun.

Soccer season is over but good thing Sebastian had his buddy to sit alongside the field and watch soccer unfold. 

They enjoyed sitting in the sideline chairs better than playing.  At one point Cealy told me she just follows Taylor all over the field...not the soccer ball.  Yikes.  It really helped she had two friends with her always. 

I miss this chick so much.  Just holding her during the day was so good for my mood.  Can't wait for her return in December.  I kept all her baby toys out for her return.

I am surrounded by cuteness!  Adam and Ashley's daughter is to die for!!

We left the city for a bit and headed to Michigan!  Dan's co-worker is about the most fun person ever and let us stay at her house there.  We went to a carnival where Sebastian rode a horse and Cealy played in the bounce house.  We ate ice-cream, because you cannot vacation and not eat ice-cream.  We ate Mexican food, my favorite!  We played hide and go seek outside at night, roasted marshmellows, and watched a movie.  I attempted a 300 piece puzzle.  I was doing good until I realized that two of the four animals were the same color and all the pieces looked the same.  Guess and check...not my style.

I am reading a book about parenting children from hard places.  One of the activities was to play with rice and hide small toys.  I am starting to get together things like this to do.  I pulled it out for Cealy and Sebastian and they loved it!  I also added a tupperware of beans.  As they were playing, I realized that this activity will not be suitable for our 3 coming home.  This is the meal they have eaten everyday since birth.

She is so awesome. My biggest helper.  She asks Sebastian if he needs to go potty, tells him to eat all his food or no snack, and plays with him all day.  If he hits her she says, "Just say sorry to me and I'll forgive you."  She tells me everything is he trying to say.  It is amazing how reasoning with her has made such a difference.  When I am making dinner, she knows that if her and Sebastian argue that can't watch a show before bed.  Cealy keeps bringing me things for her sister.  "I want her to have this."  "Will you tell her this for me, Mommy?"  Her imagination and her questions astound me.  "So you are telling me that our brothers and sister don't live in Heaven, but they can't live with us right now?"  This morning she is captain of her ship.  We argue about clothes, and she looks like she is dressed for Wacky Wednesday about everyday. 

Everything about him makes me smile.  He is the snuggliest lover ever.  His hugs make me feel like the most special mother on earth.  He is talking so much!  He loves for me to hold him and sing (unlike Ceal who tell me that she can't enjoy the song if I am singing).  He loves "Finding Nemo," and "Calliou."  He loves to read, run, hug, say he's sorry, tell people they are mean, and go anywhere and everywhere with me.  He is the best at hide and go seek.  He can seriously not move or breathe, it cracks me up.  He runs into church now and into his class.  He throws the world's biggest tantrums.  I had to unhook his legs off the toy riding horse at the grocery this weekend, while he screamed the whole way out.  He understands time-outs now, but cries for me while there, and my heart melts.  I am so in love with this guy.