Please Pray.

How do I express our heartache over such blindsiding news?

We were traveling in a couple of weeks.

We packed some of our suitcases, and tried to get as organized as possible not knowing our exact path.  I would peak into our bags everyday and smile at all the clothes and toys that were awaiting our children and so many others.

Friday night, I went to dinner with my family.  Once home came the terrible news that the country in which we have adopted suspended allowing adopted children to leave the country.

I instantly felt a stabbing pain in my stomach.  I called my family in tears.  That night I laid awake downstairs and tried to get some sense of understanding.  I look at their faces and dream of the day they will smile.

I am hurt.  I am angry.  We have fought for our children for so long that I am emotionally drained.  I question everything.  I can't understand why.

We were notified of more news that leads to another setback this afternoon.  I am trying to pray myself through it, but I will be honest and tell you it is difficult. 

I know my blessings are overflowing.  I know what true despair could look like, and I continue to be grateful to God and Jesus.  We just need your prayers.  Not to understand it all, but some sense of peace.  Every day away is lost time with all 3 of our beautiful children.  We are trying to take this day by day, and looking to our Father for guidance.  Thank you for praying for our family, and please remember to send me specific prayer requests as well. 

Laundry = Content?

Let me tell you how much I need to work on being content.  Embarrassing to admit, yes.

I remember my grandmother always telling me the way to be happy is to be content.  I would nod and smile.  "Yes, grammy, sure."

Let me tell you a short story about me and our laundry.  I first lived in New York City.  We didn't have any washing machines in the building so we would make a day of laundry and find a mat somewhere.  We would walk blocks with our clothes.

I remember saying: "God, please if I could just get a washing machine in my building, I would be the happiest girl, really I would!  Then we wouldn't freeze walking outside to find a laundry mat!"

Then I moved to Chicago.  Guess what?  We had laundry in the building.  It was in the basement.  We could stay warm while doing our laundry!

A couple of months went by and I remember saying: "God, please if I could just get laundry in my apartment, I would be the happiest girl, really I would! Then we wouldn't have to get out of our pajamas to do laundry. Or we could do laundry at night and not have to go up and down the elevator."

Then we moved to Indianapolis.  Guess what?  Our house had a laundry room!

Do you want to know what I said to my sister yesterday? 

"If my laundry room was only upstairs!  I am sick of walking up and down the stairs to get sheets and clothes.  When I have 5 children, uggg laundry will be my life!  I need my laundry room upstairs, like my neighbor."

God gave me an out of body experience for this conversation.  He probably wanted to slap me, but instead let me remember how being content would help greatly.  While talking to her I slowly remembered all the conversations about wanting something better in the laundry world.

Believe me, if I was given a house tomorrow with laundry upstairs, I would complain in a couple of months about hiring someone to do my laundry.

On a side note though, why do builders put laundry rooms downstairs?  Eeeeeek, back to being content.

My Nightmares.

I have these ongoing nightmares.  I wake up, and don't want to fall back asleep because they are awful.  It is so twisted how our minds work sometimes.

Last night I was saving one of my best friends who was drowning.  There was another girl drowning with her.  I had to pick my friend.  The other one looked like she was already dead.  I get back and everyone is shouting, "Why did you leave the other girl?"  I remember vividly what she looked like.  Then I woke up. 

These nightmares happen on and off. 

Then I realized that most of my day I am worried about picking up our sons...and leaving our daughter.  It is hard to talk to others about, so I end up having nightmares about it.

It is hard to write.  It is hard to think about.  How do you tell a six-year-old who has experienced more loss in her short lifetime than anyone I know, that you are taking her brothers, but promise to come back for her? 

I know God will take care of this.  He is the hero here.  He will take care of our daughter while we are gone, just as He has our sons. 

Plus, she could be excited I am leaving, right?  I mean, she could be like, are you real life thinking you are taking me far away from everything I know and love?  See you later, goodbye.

I don't know how it will be, but I ask for your prayers.  Not for me.  All mothers endure hardships.  Pray for our sweet girl.  Pray for her heart.  Pray for the courts.  God and Jesus have a plan.  Jesus will be with her.  They love her and will protect her.

Here's to no more nightmares. 

Getting Organized!

My picture would not be next to the definition, that is for sure.

When I taught in Chicago, I learned from my mentor teacher how to be very organized.  It helped tremendously.  If you wanted any information about one of my students, all you had to do was open a binder with their name on my desk and it listed all their strengths and weaknesses.  Then I decided to stay at home with my chicklits and well although I like a clean home, organized is not in the recipe.

When my older sister comes to pick up Cruz she always runs to my pantry and puts everything into place.  She made a pasta corner, I love this chick.

So becoming a mother to 5 precious babes, I needed to get much more organized.  I started thinking about everything that was a doozy in this house.

1. Laundry- Yes. I will be doing it everyday.  Now, I run around the house and carry down ridiculous baskets everywhere.  I realized this was not going to work.  I need to make a day for everything (towels, sheets, clothes, etc) and I need to have bins with bags.  This way laundry can also be a chore for my kids.  Lugging a bag full or laundry is much easier than trying not to fall down the stairs with a basket.  Oh how I wish my laundry room was upstairs.  {Insert sad face here}
2. Closets- Yikes.  My 3 boys will be sharing.  I don't trust a dresser with Sebastian.  I won't tell you the story so that there are not a bunch of dressers waiting for trash pick-up, but trust me no dressers.  I will only produce after pictures here.  Just picture my sister's face when looking inside and seeing clothes on the floor.  When I started I had cute navy bins everywhere.  Guess what?  You can't see inside them.  I can't remember my sock drawer, no way was I remembering which bin had what in it.  So I kept two for toys and purchased clear bins for clothes.  Oh and I would like to thank the delicious family who built this house.  Thank you for making closets desirable.
3. 
   
    3. Leaving the home- My bestie, Whitney, is insanely organized.  She has a chart for her kids people.  So at times  I watch her techniques.  While I throw 3 sippy cups the size of my diaper bag into my diaper bag, she brings along dixie cups and a water bottle.  She will put in lemonade or water.  Then when the kids are thirsty she just pours them a drink.  Ummmm, genius?  So I went out and bought 5 boxes of dixie cups and a couple of water bottles.  Environmentally conscious?  No.  I have to make life simpler over here. 
   
    
   
   
   4.   Toys- I am pretty organized with our toys.  I have certain bins for puzzles, trains, play food, etc.  No I don't have a label on them.  Aisha would rather I did, but that is for crazy folk.
   
   
   5.  Other ideas?  Please email me or comment below.  I need help!  When our daughter gets home, I will be homeschooling.  Yes, I said the word.  Anything you do to make life easier, I need to know.  And don't assume I know any of your ways.  Yes, my mother was organized growing up, but I am the least observant person you will ever meet.
   
   
   
   

I love Summer.

Summer is coming to an end and I could cry thinking about it.  I am not the girl who loves cool weather.  I love hot.  I love water.  I love being outside without bees.

Some ramblings:  What I ramble?

Taking pictures is a stretch around here.  I am that busy.  I don't take my phone to the pool, because Sebastian throws everything in, including my keys.  Then something is too cute and I have no camera.  Or I am running after the boys and just when they settle and a pic is warranted, my phone is lost.

Cealy started school two days a week.  I am lame and would rather have her home.  Just to get out of the house with all 3 and drop her off is chaos.  We are working on this.

I tried to join a marketplace on FB for things to buy around me secondhand and the drama was unreal.  Women were arguing and making fun of one another.  I just wanted a triple stroller that wasn't over $300.00, someone help me find one please??

Cealy started soccer with Drew and Taylor.  Can I tell you how much I love these children?  They are so yummy.  Yesterday was a mock game.  Cealy was sucking on her hair.  She did not run after the ball.  She watched everyone else.  When I asked her why she wasn't helping her team, she said her ball wasn't on the field.  What?!?  I thought I told you there is only one ball.  While she is playing Sebastian is picking up the cones the coach put up to mark off the field.  Then he is using them as a microphone and running around screaming into them.  The time is about 6:30 and I would love wine.

Someone said in passing to a loved one of mine that adopting a black child "seems to be the cool thing to do. People want to look cool."  I usually don't address complete idiocy.  I will say that unless you have witnessed a country, any country, with children dying from starvation or preventable diseases or lack of care please oh please do not comment with such lack of understanding.  And please oh please do not say something so senseless around me.  I tend to be a bit crazy when protecting my family.

I have the BEST NEWS to share with you soon.  The BEST.  Praise God.  Praise Jesus.  

This is a typical park experience.  Sebastian looks around for the scariest thing he can do...Then the next time goes head first for the thrill.

Soccer.  Drew was dancing here.  Sebastian is not on the team, but don't tell him that.

We have a lock on the basement door that does not keep Sebastian out.

One of our typical nights at Poske's.  Just watching a late night movie.

Still one of our best purchases.  Jump children, jump away.

Visiting my girlfriend, Jaime's baby!  She is way smaller than Sebastian and Cealy were and she slept away in my arms.  Love.

Is there a cuter 91-year-old woman on the planet?  She is my favorite.

What?!?  Yes, we are out without our pups.  White party providing bags full of toys for children battling cancer.

Celebrating Nana's birthday!  Deb has an entire room devoted for her grandbabies.  Cealy runs downstairs and pulls out all of her princess stuff.  I love precious days where we roam around as a family, run errands, go to the park, and visit our loved ones.

Cruz at My Gym.  He kept saying, "Look at me Manny, I am so strong!"

Oh the help while baking.  They argue over who gets to stir and who gets to pour in the ingredients.  Please notice Sebastian is not in matching pajamas.  It does not happen around here unless you can dress yourself. 

My little sister is home (highlight of my year) and has my niece, Amelie.  Sebastian does not leave her alone, ever.  He is obsessed.  One time, she sneezed on him and he looked like he was going in for a smack.  Then he wiped her sneeze on her shirt.  Hilarious.  I love, love her.

A camping we will go! Definitely one of my favorite weekends.  All of our tents are in a circle and we build a huge play/food/sit area in the middle.  It is Cealy's favorite vacation.  We go with the most amazing-fun-loving-hilarious-adventurous people.  We eat fried food all weekend.  We drive golf carts and listen to blues concerts.  One night Kristin said to jump on the golf cart, because she was taking us somewhere.  She ended up driving my cousin Jess, me, Amanda, and herself to a haunted house at the top of the hill.  Real life haunted house in August.  There was an old woman rocking in a chair at the front.  Then a man came running out with fake blood on him and Kristin stopped the golf cart so he could get me.  I was screaming and laughing.  I will get her back.

Aunt Jess helping with me crew.  Sebastian rocked his chair until it fell and he could get out.

Marm and MiMi.  They are about the best you could ever ask for.  Just when I wanted to stick the kids inside the tent and lock it up, they would come to the rescue and take the kids on a golf cart adventure.

Wouldn't you know it, Marm tries to prepare Sebastian for the picture...Sebastian followed Grandpa around the whole time.

12 years ago today.

I remember exactly where I was. 

Sitting in acting class (yes I attempted to act in college) and hearing the news.  The horrific news.  My stomach hurt.  I didn't understand.

Then I looked at the girl next to me (my acting partner for the day) and it looked like she had seen a ghost.  I asked her if she was okay.  She said nothing. 

Then my acting teacher said we were canceling actual class, but she wanted to talk about how we were feeling.  Looking back, I see what an important move that was, as I never talked about how I felt again about that day.

When we got to my acting partner, she said, "My dad is there."  I remember everyone thinking, what does she mean or is she being serious?

She looked at all of us and said, "My dad travels to New York City once a month to work and he works there.  He is there now."

My heart hurt for her then and it does now.  She never came back to class after that day.  Our teacher told us her dad died and she went home to take care of her mother.

I don't know where she is today, but today I pray for her.  Among thousands of others.

We Are Human.

They were staring at me.  I wanted to shout at them, "You never seen a tantrum before?"  Sebastian and Cruz were misbehaving and Cealy felt it necessary to run from cement wall to cement wall.  I was running around the circus event wondering when help would arrive.  All the women were staring, and I was fumming.

Staring...it is what humans do.  We stare.  We study each other.  We want to try to understand.

I was at a football game recently when I watched a woman being carried up the bleachers.  My first thought was that she had too much to drink.  I was watching or maybe staring.  She was beautiful, and I kept thinking, "Oh geez, poor thing."  Then her mother and husband shouted to those of us near by, "What! You never seen a handicapped person before?!?"

I couldn't understand.  What did they mean?  And then I watched them put her into a wheelchair.

I couldn't believe the way they reacted.  We were sympathezing I thought.  We didn't understand what was happening.  We are human and as humans we were trying to understand.

And then thought back to how I reacted at the zoo when I was everyone's main event and I felt all the stares.  Why were so many people staring at me?  It is so uncomfortable, but I have to get used to it.  I do it.  Others will to.  We are human.

Then I thought about my 3 children who are not home yet.  And the stares we are going to get.  How will I react?  I cannot let them think that these stares make me uncomfortable, because that will mean I am somehow uncomfortable with them.  I have to remember that people are naturally curious.  We are humans.  Humans are curious and work hard to try and understand what is going on around them.  It is uncomfortable, yes, but not always harmful.  Here's to being comfortable with the stares.