To Be Honest.

It might be hard to understand.  How am I so emotionally attached to children I have not met?  God put them on my heart over a year ago.  Their pictures are in every room of my house, on my phone, in my car, at my parents' offices, on our family calendars, and on the refrigerators of all my family and friends.  I talk to everyone about them.  Yes, every cashier in Indiana knows I have 5 children, but 3 of them live very far away.

Last week I was in a fog.  Maybe I still am.  I went the wrong way to the grocery.  I was stopped at a green light.  People call and leave voice mails, or email, and I am too heartbroken to respond.  I believe He will fight for us, the only one who can truly help us.  God will bring them home.  Right?  To be honest, I don't know.

I have screamed out to God.  "Jesus, why?  Please help me understand."  Then I tell myself it wasn't meant to be.  We were meant to love them and pray for them, but not to raise them.  God knows better than us.  It is okay.  We will go on, and other blessings will rain down on us.  The next minute, I am calling my girlfriends (also adopting) and telling them we are getting our babies soon.  "Let's book a flight and fight for them."  Then, I fall to my knees in prayer and cry out again for help.

I've had many "un-Christ" like moments.  I am angry with Him.  Why did you lead me down this path?  I am emotionally exhausted.  I am so angry!  I don't want to go to church.  I don't want to run into anyone I know.  I have cried with my little sister so many times, she is probably pumped to get back to Swizerland.  I told her I must have done something to not deserve them.  And to be honest, I really feel that way.  She listens and then speaks truth.  It is always good for me to hear.  I read His word everyday, but to be honest I still feel broken. 

To be honest, I get on the computer too much.  Sundays are no computer, FB, or email days.  I read a blog that shows a father's fight to get his daughter home today.  He has been fighting for 6 years.  And I crumble.

It is not Him doing this.  The world's problems are not brought on by Him.  These are trials.  Many people go through much worse.  To be honest, praying for those around me helps me out of these "me problems."

Today I am praying for the hearts of those who can help us.