Second to our adoption, my parent's divorce was the most heart-wrenching time of my life. There are times that heartache doesn't leave me. I'm blessed to have my own family now. My kids keep me busy, thank Heavens. My sisters are ridiculously awesome, and completely understand that agonizing sadness. There are times, I watch my dad walking out to his car alone, and tears well up in my eyes. Is he lonely? You think about all your mom went through, and wondered has her heart healed?
My parents divorced when I was 22. Did I know it was coming? Probably. Was it hard on my sisters and I? Hell yes. I was talking with a friend the other day while our kids were playing. She mentioned her husband having a hard time with his parents separation. My heart sunk. I knew what he was feeling. It is so hard, I told her. It will be hard on him.
I remember my sister calling me one morning as I was walking to work in New York City. She was crying on the phone, and I was crying with her. It feels like a death, but in reality few people around you understand your grief. As an adult, dealing with your parents divorce can be very lonely. Truth is, no one said a thing to us. Nothing. Our lives would be so different, and we wondered if anyone knew how hard it was on us. And yes, even at 22 and 27-years-old, we were heartbroken. I guess no one knew what to say. "Are you handling everything okay?" We didn't have teachers asking if we needed a support group. We didn't have therapists reaching out to us. We felt alone, because we were adults, and our parents were divorcing which to us meant, "Get over it, at least you had them together while you were kids." And hearing people talk about your parents. It doesn't matter how you feel about them, hearing someone else talk about them making you want to punch them. Yes, I said, punch. A word to the wise, don't talk about someone's parents...ever. It takes away a piece of who they are.
I am just here to tell you it's okay how you are feeling. Sometimes, you just want to hear someone say, "I'm sorry." I am sorry you have to go through this. It will be hard on you, because truth is, all you can do is think about how your parents are feeling. And divorce is life-changing for everyone.
It does get easier in some ways. My mother moved on and I love her man. He added more flavor to our family, and my mom is so very happy. I learned a great lesson, and I am sensitive to others with divorce. One of my closest friends is divorced, and I always make sure her children know that I care about that part of their life. Because that matters. Because showing you care matters.
Not only does divorce affect the couple filing for it, but it also has severe effects on their children as well. If a couple gets divorced and their children are at a young age, it would be an easier process for the children to understand the problem, but in the similar situation as you and your sisters, it is very difficult for the children to cope with it, as they have seen growing up how perfect their family is, and then see it slowly fall apart. Thank you for sharing your experience despite it being a sensitive topic, Amanda.
ReplyDeleteSandra Walker @ Eric Risk