"Only Light Can Do That."

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." Martin Luther King Jr.
 

One of my favorite quotes to live by. Is it hard to live by? Yes. Light and love can be hard to do when you are angry.

I saw a mom at the park wearing sweatpants. My immediate thought was, "Now that's my kind of girl." I like to roll that way too. She was holding her baby, watching her daughter play. My kids were on cloud nine, climbing ladders and ready to slide down some massive slides. Cealy ran to me within seconds of them playing. "Mommy, the girl over there told my brothers that she didn't like black people." What?!? I was in shock.

My heart sank. Nooooooo. This did not happen down the street from my house and at their favorite park. No way. Not this early. I had not even talked to Cealy yet about racism. She had no idea people on this earth felt that way.

Although the first thought that came to my mind was anger, I took a breath and asked Cealy to walk with me for a minute. We found the little girl (maybe 5 years old) who said such harsh and dark words. I asked her why she said it. "I'm sorry," was all she could say with a smug look that was not apologetic. Another breath. "Would you like to play with my kids? That are really sweet and fun, and I think you would have a good time." I am pretty sure Jesus took over my tongue and spoke for me, because I felt like saying something quite different. "Sure," she said. She ran over to her mom for a minute with tears in her eyes. I think she thought I was going to be meaner than I was. Her mom gave her a juice and talked to her. I am sure she asked what happened and I am sure she told her, but the woman whom I thought was "my kind of mom," turned out to be someone I wouldn't spend 30 seconds with. This woman wanted nothing to do with me, and made sure she kept a good distance.

Later this little girl played with Cealy. She played near my sons but was curling her lip a little much for my liking. What could I do? I wanted to ask her mother why she would pass on such ignorance to a daughter she loves so much. I wanted to explain to this mom how her words affect much more than just her daughter. But in this situation I chose light and love. I tried to show this little girl how my black children slide, swing, run, and laugh just like her. I wanted to give her that experience, because I am sure she hasn't been given it before. Sometimes light and love take more courage. They demand you to invite those in who you want to push out.

Look I have like one million things to learn when it comes to parenting. Everyday I am learning something new. But one thing I know for sure. What you see as beautiful, your children will too. The pictures you hang in your home. The barbies and dolls you buy your daughter. Try buying her a brown or black baby doll to love on. Buy books for your son that have brown or black main characters. Expose your children to all kinds of beauty. Martin Luther King Jr. was a strong, courageous man. I cannot imagine the pain he endured while choosing light and love.

A Day in the Life.

Cealy grew up right under my nose and was so excited for school today, I was wondering who misplaced my little girl. She was running around getting ready, and squealing with joy. I was dropping her off at school for the first time in her lifetime without any anxiety. No tears from either of us. But that would be too easy, right? So Sebastian, Dominic, and Malachi must have met before our drop off and planned out how they could humiliate me the most. They would each go in different ways, and when I would call them they would not answer. They would run, not walk. They would cross the street without holding anyone's hand, and they would run through church acting like they owned the place.

I was sweating. I was in complete shock. Wait, Cealy is walking right into her class without so much as a, "Goodbye Ma, I'll really miss you." But I couldn't even let that sink in, because all 3 of my sons were cackling and grabbing signs off walls. After I spoke loudly to them in the car, we were off to one of my son's doctor appointments. Well one of two doctor appointments for the day, but I wouldn't know this until later.

We go to the first one for his arm. He broke it a week ago yesterday. He is wearing a cast from shoulder to hand. This is my tough boy who rarely complains, and amazes me everyday. I think we are going in for a quick check up. After I run 3 boys around the wrong building, I finally find the right one to sit for an hour...Please ask me if I brought anything to entertain? No. I mean I have flashcards in my purse, but they see a whole floor with lots of space to run and they are not sitting. I allow one to skip, seems innocent enough. It wasn't. He skipped right into a poster board with little kid's pictures all over it. "Honey, let's skip where there is open space, like everywhere but the place you skipped." Then they are all 3 running. I find two toy (because you thought I meant actual cars) cars in my purse but do the math. I have 3 boys. So I rally them into a game of you sit here and I sit here and I pass them to you. That worked for 5 minutes and then they liked it better when the cars crashed and flipped and then accidentally hit someone. They call my son's name. Perfect! We are like almost out of here.

We go back into room where doc tell us we need to leave and get an x-ray. Wait? You kidding me? Nope. So we leave to get an x-ray and wait for that for another hour. They are cartwheeling it up, making snow angels on the carpet, and terrorizing the waiting room. Then we are carted back to the x-ray room. Small room friends. Sebastian is running around, turns the fan on. As soon as I turn it off, he is playing with the printer. Malachi found a duster and is dusting the room.

When we finally meet with the surgeon, Sebastian is on full speed. He turns the lights off on the doctor. And then on again. You get it. We have to wait yet again. I am starting to notice these small bumps on one of my sons are not like the poison ivy the other one had. So this is not poison ivy? These bumps are sprouting up everywhere. I google chicken pox on a phone that is from the 1800s, and the images that pop up are....the images I am looking at on my son. But of course. Honestly, the vain part of me decided not to worry because I couldn't get the bumps, I've already had it.

I get everyone into the car with meltdown city happening right under my nose, and tell them we are off the the park for a picnic. Your favorite park. It will be so fun. We finally pull up, but the park is under construction. So we picnic it up until bees chase us away, and we need to pick up Cealy.

Really the minute I am helping one of my babes, the other is doing something naughty. Honestly, because life is loud around here, I never notice until Kaboom, a train is tangled so far into my hair that I have to cut it out. Now which sweetie of mine put this train in my hair while I was helping Malachi?

 

Wouldn't want it any other way. Life with 4 of my sweet tarts is grand. Busy, but grand.

Our Dominic.

 

This is our Dominic. This is his sweet, loving, mischevious face. Dominic has a love for life like I've never seen before. The minute he wakes up, he is ready to rock and roll. Nothing slows him down, and learning something new is engrained in his everyday routine. He continues to amaze me everyday. His sister, Cealy, and him are two peas in a pod. He has given her such confidence in who she is. He teaches her new things, and follows her around to be by her side. Dominic gives his mother more love than she ever dreamed of getting. His hugs, constant kisses, puckered lips, and dance moves make me one happy mama. He is the bravest child you will ever meet. Shots at the doctor only bring a wince. When I don't understand something he is trying to say to me, he acts it out. He is three years old and is acting out what he is trying to convey. "Mommy," and puts a shot in his side and pretends to cry and I say no were are not going to the doctor today. Smart, loving, beautiful, and full of energy, I am so incredibly blessed with our son, Dominic Daniel.

Our Malachi.

Our hilarious, booty shaking, skipping everywhere, food loving, hug giving, Malachi is a gift from God. He finds me first thing in the morning and wants to be held. Then juice of course with cherrios, before breakfast. Malachi loves to smile, is obsessed with pictures, and loves every person he meets. He will play trains with his brothers or dolls with his sisters. He wants those around him to feel happy. Today at the doctor's office, he wrapped my arms around his chest. He wanted to make sure the doctors knew I was his mommy, and they were not to take him anywhere. As soon as he could trust them, he took their tools and started working on his brother. He was not quite as brave as Dominic when it came to blood draws and shots, but he did much better than I ever would. He is a hero of mine, this child. He makes me better.

Today, we were playing outside. We had such a fun day after our doctor's appointment. We went swimming and out to eat. I was sitting in my chair on the driveway when he walked up with tears streaming down his eyes. "Malachi, what is wrong?" He asks me where B (his sister) is? I say, she is in Congo, my love. God will bring her home to us soon. He doesn't stop crying so I hold him and I cry with him. He asks me if she is on an airplane to come see him. I cry and tell him no but soon. He didn't skip for the rest of the night, and when we put him to sleep he asked again. "Mommy, where is B?" Oh my heart, I am sad for him. I know God will bring her home. He is good all the time. Please pray for Malachi and B, and Dominic who wish to be together, and all the brothers and sisters in this world who are separated permanently. We are so very blessed we will have them all together soon.

All before 10am.

I wiped 5 booties all before 10am. I have never in my life seen so much poop.

Highlight of my morning: Dominic running into the kitchen,"Look Mommy Loooook." And there he holds a book right side up for the first time. We are learning.

It's Her Turn.

Our oldest daughter is seven years old. She is extremely bright, hardworking, playful, and silly. My stomach was in knots before our first meeting. She was not going to like me? "Don't expect much, Amanda," is what Danny would always tell me. "I know what you are hoping for, and I just don't want you to be hurt."

Then the day came. The first time I saw her, she ran and leaped into my arms. It was a scene out of a movie. She smiled so big, I could see she was losing teeth and some were growing in. She held my hand everywhere and would just stare at me, as if she was dreaming. I still can't believe how much she trusted me, and loved me right away. She loved my hair. She braided it and brushed it over and over again. I have never in all my life seen a child eat as fast as our oldest daughter. She would cram all the noodles in her mouth and ask for more. Her first taste of ice cream kept her giggling for hours. She, Dominic, and Malachi would stir the ice cream until it was soup, and then lick the spoon until all was gone. She would write her name on her new whiteboard, say her numbers and abcs. She ran faster than me, started swimming right away, and quickly became my hero in 8 short days.

The last time I saw her she was waving goodbye. She wasn't looking at me the same way. She was so confused. But you are my mother? I couldn't explain it, because I was gasping for air. I tried not to cry, but I was weeping telling her goodbye. I promised I would come back for her. Danny promised we would bring her home.

Dan came to me a couple of nights ago, and said he was going to make another trip to see our daughter. He can't stand the thought of her wondering why her parents came for her brothers and not her. I can't tell you how much guilt I have over this decision. I kept thinking I couldn't do this to our precious girl, but then I couldn't leave Dominic and Malachi without a mommy and daddy either. I sit here crying just thinking about how angry I am that I made that decision. Or that I was forced to make that decision.

I have so much to make up for. I promise to spend my lifetime making it up to her, if she will only be allowed home. Please pray for all the children who have families who love them and want them home.

I Want to Hold Her Hand Forever.

 Cealy turned 5 on July 31st. Oh my heart this sweet child of ours. She feels so proud to be 5, tells everyone. Her heart, is so big and full of love. The way she celebrates her brothers. The way she makes them feel about themselves seems far beyond that of a 5 year old. Believe me, there is no perfection here, she enjoyed plowing into her brothers bike with him on it the other day...but she makes so many people happy. She will go to Kindergarten next year. I needed one more year. There I said it. It is me. She is ready, but next year I think she will be really ready...ha. We are doing school here in the morning and playing all afternoon.

Sure, I want to hold her hand forever. I am so afraid of someone hurting her heart. I have to remember that Jesus loves her more, and I am just here to help her through life. She has to get hurt in order to learn. Come on Amanda, remember Nemo! "I don't want anything to happen to you." Well then nothing will ever happen, and what is this thing called life? Oh my heart, that is hard for me. I was sitting not too far away from her when I heard two of her friends say she wasn't big. I saw her eyes well up. And then I did it. I went over and talked to her friends about her being big and not saying hurtful things. She just sat there, but I can't hold her hand forever, I tell myself over and over. I have been praying over that, and God has really helped me. She will have hurtful things said to her, she will say hurtful things, and she will learn. And I will be here to listen.

Happy 5th birthday to our Cealy. I am a better person because you have lived.