Jesus Calling.

I love my Jesus Calling book!  I know, I talk about it too often, but seriously you can read one of these everyday, all year round, and start over the next year.  Thank you, Courtney.

Yesterday's and today's message were so great I had to share.  "Relying on your own understanding will weigh you down."  That is so great, and so right.  I must rely on the peace that passes understanding.  I am never going to understand.  You work so hard in school to try and understand everything so perfectly so you get the best grades.  Finding Jesus is so much different.

And "Give up on the illusion that you deserve a problem-free life."- That one is good for me.  That will only happen once I live with our Father and Jesus in heaven.

Seriously, a book you want by your side.  Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young.

Because They Lived.

Yesterday, I just needed to know, we would be okay.  I just needed to know they would be okay.  That was keeping me up.  That was the lump in my throat.  How will I tell Cealy, if they don't come home? How will I help Danny when I will be hurting too?  Will they always be loved?  Will they have an earthly family to encourage them?

I was staring off in space at dinner when Cealy said, "God, please bring Dominic, Malachi, and Rosalie home."  I looked up, and saw that she was looking at me.  She read my face.  Amanda, stop it.

I finally said it out loud, well rather on text.  I asked 3 women who have lived this with me, if we would be okay?  I read words like resilient and Jesus and then, "Yes, you all will be fine."  That sealed it.  I have to remember God will bring us through.  He will take care of all of us, no matter the outcome.  And in heaven, we will recognize each other's faces and rejoice. 

I do not know if we are going to bring home our 3 beautiful children.  That is the beauty of not seeing the future.  Like Julia Roberts said in, Osage County (good movie by the way), "If we saw the future, we would never get out of bed."  We have prayed over them, dreamed over them, cried over them, loved them, and learned far more in this life because they lived.  It was not for nothing.  It was to change the lives of two adults who could use the changing.  I know God's story for us is much better than my own.  

I realized we were on pause.  Do you know how many clothes, my Sebastian has not worn, because, Malachi and Dominic couldn't?  Too many.  Yesterday, I pulled the bin out of his closet, and he cannot fit into them now.  I was so mad at myself.  I waited and waited, because I just couldn't stand the thought of him in pajamas that were meant for all 3 of our boys.  It is silly really.

Thank you for praying for us, loving us, asking us questions, and loving children you have never met.  From the beginning, I always asked God to use us.  It is my prayer that they know Jesus and they feel loved.

One thing I learned on this beautiful journey, is my experience adopting is mine, and no one else's.  To mark adoptions as a whole, because of what may have happened in your situation is wrong.  There are far more beautiful adoptions than those that are unsettling.  Telling your story, whatever the outcome, is important.  Just remember it is yours, not your neighbors.

Because they lived, we live better.  We are the ones who are blessed.

Cealy's Memory.

 

Cealy likes to talk my ear off in the car.  (She is a lot like my sister who would pick me up for my 8 am class in graduate school and clap and ask 100 questions).  I would like to listen to music and maybe zone out for 3 minutes, but oh no, Cealy wants to talk about everything under the sun.  Now before you start calling me "the mean mother," I am never alone.  When I shower, this chick stands by my shower to talk.  She is the best 4 1/2 year old a mother could possibly ask for, but and she likes to talk a lot.

In the car yesterday:

"Mommy, do you remember the dress I wore to my 3rd birthday party?"

"No."  And I continue to listen to my music.

"Well, I wore a purple dress with a rainbow on it. Do you know where that dress is? I would like to wear it again."

"Wow, I can faintly remember that now, but no it is in the attic, because you outgrew it."  Music is now a little louder, praying she starts to jam and not talk.

"Did I have a bounce house for my 3rd birthday?"

"Ummmm, I don't think so Ceal.  I think we just got you and Sebastian one for your 4th birthday, the princess one." 

"I had a bounce house.  It was an animal one."

At this point I turn down the music, because I am catching on to the fact that she is quizzing me.

"Oh right, that is hilarious.  You did have an animal one."

"Did any of my friends get hurt?"

"Noooooo."

"Yes, Caroline did.  She stubbed her toe on our stairs in the garage. And you got her a band-aid."

"So are you asking me these questions to see if I know the answers?"

"I just was thinking you would forget, like you forget your phone everywhere."

This life is going to be quite interesting.

For This We Are Grateful...

I go through their pictures from the first one I received to the last one.  They have grown before my eyes, but through pictures.  They look completely different from last year.  I have told myself since March of 2013 that they would be home the next month.  I planned our Florida trip in April around them with us.  I made sure we bought that 7 person tent for camping last Summer.  I told my best friend I would not be at her wedding.  I turned down many invitations, because our children were coming home.  Transatlantic parenting is what one of my friends calls it.  You worry, you think about them all day, you wake in the night thinking about one of them being scared or cold or lonely, and it is all you can do not to scream out, "Why?  What in the world, why?  You can walk on water, Jesus.  You can take out an entire army with one strike.  Why?"

One of my friends is there now.  She has been there two months.  She missed the last three holidays with her two children and husband back at home.  She stays were her youngest son, refusing to leave him behind.  She facetimes me with her son, and he repeats everything we say, and we laugh and he laughs, and he plays with his food when she tells him not to and he gives her this look, this I am your son and you are my mommy look and what, she is suppose to go home without him? 

So for Christmas at my aunt's house we gifted books.  I picked, One Thousand Gifts, a dare to live fully right where you are.  I read the first chapter last week, and said, um no, not my kind of book.  Depressing first chapter, I need something different.  When I woke in the middle of the night last night I picked it up again, or should I say Jesus picked it up again for me.  It is, in fact, just the book I need.  Thanksgiving is one day a year, but should be every day of the year, through everything we face.  Being thankful for everything is the only way to live the fullest life.  This is in fact a great book.  It is not an easy read.  It is a life-changing read.

Here is my new wall in our diamond room. (When Cealy was 2, she could not say dining room and called it our diamond room.)  This is our Grateful Wall.  I write down what I am thankful for each day.  I hope when I grow old I will have covered each one many times and have the fullest life written down before me.  I started awhile back when my three best friends came over for spaghetti dinner, before my leave to pick up our 3 blessings in Africa.  Our trip was canceled, but that dinner meant the world to me.  I wrote how grateful I am for them in my life.  And there it is pinned forever.  Yesterday, I wrote how grateful I am for Cealy's forgiving heart.  Sebastian bashed her over the head with his truck, and when he gave her a hug and said he was sorry, through her tears she said, "I forgive you."  For this we are grateful...

 

"Send Me."

I am reading the small book, The 21 Most Effective Prayers of the Bible.  Each prayer is just so good, and the people behind them astound me.  Their faith and drive are noteworthy.

Lately, I have been mad.  I realize I said I was tucking that away, but the wounds are cutting too deep this month.  When I don't think I can take anymore bad news, I get just a little more.  I sat in the dressing room of a boutique the other day sobbing.  I couldn't get out, I didn't want anyone to see the chick who was fine one minute and lost it the next.  I am breaking.  But just the other day, I got up to read my sweet book and prayed the prayer, "Send me."  Isaiah asked God to send him to do something great.  I just prayed that Jesus would open my eyes to others, and I kid you not this happened:

My little sister and I were leaving Target while it was raining.  We were running at top speed with Cealy, because....not sure why we couldn't get wet, but at the time it seemed pertinent we remain dry.  We were getting into our car when I saw an older woman out in the rain.  Now I am the least bit observant, but I felt her on my heart.  It was raining, why was she not getting into her car right away?  She walked away, and we were pulling out when I told my little sister we needed to follow her.  We drove down 3 isles until we saw her again, and I rolled down my window.  Again, if you know me and how shy I am, then you would know that I barely talk to people I know, let alone strangers.  "Mam, you wouldn't be looking for your car would you?"  She looked up with the saddest look on her face, and said, "Yes, I am, and I have no idea where I parked."  Mackenzie jumped out of the car and brought this sweet, delicious woman to the passengers seat while we drove around looking.  She didn't even know what type of car she drove.  She gave her keys to Mackenzie and we went up and down every isle until we were on the other side of the parking lot where we found her car.  She looked up at me and said, "I just feel so blessed. I wish I could make you cookies or something."  I told her Jesus sent me, better make those cookies for Him.

I also pray for her today, as I realized that she has the beginning signs of dementia.  I remember my grandmother calling my mom when she couldn't find her way home from the grocery that she went to every week of her life, or she couldn't remember what her car looked like.  Now don't be running to your doctor when you can't find your car in the parking lot, because that is all of us...minus my older sister who probably counts spaces.

Just two small words might change your day.  "Send me."

She called me Mama.

My little girl sent me a message.  In it, she called me Mama.  I must have watched the video a hundred times, and Cealy watched it one hundred more.  She kept asking, "She is my sister, right?"  Adopting an older child, brings on more questions for me than a baby.  I wonder if she will call me, Mommy?  I wonder if she will like me?  I wonder if she will want to share her memories?  Will she be afraid?  All the emotions she should feel...I just wonder if she will ever want to call me Mommy?

Two beautiful friends of mine visited my children.  They talked to them, took pictures with them, and loved on them while I cannot.  Both of my friends were experiencing great pain and grief of their own, but crept outside of it for me.  They were leaving their children in a few short hours, after fighting for them for weeks.  I heard their sadness, their aching hearts, but constantly reassured me.  They are such generous, selfless people.  I will never forget their love. 

My boys were eating the whole time, and while I was so afraid by one of my son's weight, she assured me he was doing well.  He talked her ear off.  One is shy, just like my Cealy.  One is a talker, the other a runner. 

For now, I pray.  I watch their videos constantly.  I look at her smile, and rest in Jesus taking care of them while I can't.  I turn from anger.  At least I try.  I am angry, but it doesn't look good on me.  It doesn't feel right.  I am reading, The 21 Most Effective Prayers of the Bible, by Dave Earley.  I love reading about people who relied on God for everything.  People who lived with humility, shame, sinned, but prayed to God throughout their days, everyday.  It helps me stay hopeful.

She called me, Mama.  I think I'll go watch that video a hundred more times.  Thank you both, two beautiful women who I met through such a tough time, but whose friendships have made me a better person.

Thankful.

I am so very thankful.  Thankful for so much.