We Are Back.

We are home. I struggle to find the words to talk about our children, so I do a really great job talking about something else. Mother's day was perfect. Heck, this whole weekend was more than I could ask for. Saturday we planted flowers all day. Cealy and Sebastian had the best time ever. Sebastian played with the hose for hours and Cealy helped me plant flowers. We laughed and ran around outside. That night we went to celebrate my sister's birthday. Dan has been so kind and funny to get us through leaving our 3 children behind. If I am quite for longer than a minute, he wants to know what is wrong. He just simply gets it, which is refreshing. Then he asks me to tell the birds to quit eating our birdseed in a single day, because we are already supporting 5 children and can't support 100 birds. Good laughs from him, I tell you. Mother's Day, we didn't plan a thing, and the day turned out to be my absolute favorite. We dropped by my mom's house in the morning and enjoyed her and Steve. We went to my girlfriend's house for her son's dedication. So many of her friends and family were thoughtful and would drop by, and say they were praying for us. Love their hearts.

We miss them terribly. There are times I am an ostrich and I bury by head in the sand so that I don't have to think about what they are doing without us. I stare into space a lot. Then I pray and am brought back to the fact, that God loves them first. I am human. So yes, I am angry and sad. God does a fabulous job of steering me away from being selfish or obsessed with my own thoughts. A friend in my neighborhood introduced me to a family whose son was recently diagnosed with cancer. They have 4 children and their 2 year-old son is going through treatment for the next 3 years. Helping others can be selfish at times, because it makes you feel better, and focus on someone else. They are amazing, and help me remember what matters in this world.

I can't talk about our children, because I am hurt. And then the natural response is, but you got to meet them and get that time with them. And believe me, I wrestle with that silver lining, but right now I am struggling with how children can be kept from their family. My wonderful neighbor hopped the fence to ask about our trip, and I just couldn't find the words. I am thankful. I am grateful, but talking about them brings so many tears. The image of our daughter waving from a car with confused tears. I blame myself. It is natural, I suppose. Am I suppose to be learning a lesson? Were my friends whose children are home better and that is why their children are home?

I miss holding them. I miss their hugs. Rosalie did my hair in the morning. She would brush it and braid it into sections. Malachi was her assistant. I miss stretching myself, because let's be real it was hard. It was very hard. And then you come home and guilt sets in. I feel terrible for things I forgot to say and do while we were there. I should have brought more clothes and toys, but we already filled an entire suitcase for them. Thank you for your prayers, meals, cards, and love. I hope you know how much we talk about you and appreciate your support.