If Only.

When I wake up in the morning, I pray a sweet prayer for all my children.  Then I pray to feel "at peace," throughout the day.  I tell myself not to cry today, not to feel hopeless, and not to think of my 3 children so far away every minute of the day.  Today is Saturday, so I wake up knowing I can't make any phone calls to the state department or any of my representatives.  Considering I have cried on the phone with all of them, and my cries are ugly and not pleasant, today is looking better already.  A family member asked about our children last night.  Before leaving the house, I told myself to pinch my skin if I felt tears.  I tried, but I ended up crying in the kitchen with her apologizing for asking.  So much for pinching myself.

All the ifs.  If only our sons were given visas in 3 months instead of 7, they would be home.  But what about our daughter?  There is a reason.  Oh to kiss their faces instead of their pictures.

If only I could take my two children at home with me and live there?  They cannot get the shots you have to receive.  If only.

If only I could afford to visit them.  I never wanted a private plane, until now.  If only we could win the lottery.  I don't even want a lot of money, just enough to get me there to hug them until my girlfriend there says, "Amanda, you are being spared.  You cannot come and leave.  I will not leave without my son.  I will not leave him now that I am here."  And then I think, maybe that is why I don't have a private plane?  I would in fact not leave them.

So I pray.  I am so very grateful for this life, my husband, our children.  "To be thankful in all circumstances," so very good to live by.  I am thankful for so much. 

God knows so much, and I know so little.  There is a reason.  If only I knew it? 

Here's to not thinking about all the "If onlys," today.